MOVIE REVIEW – BAD VAMPIRE MOVIES: QUEEN OF BLOOD (PLANET OF BLOOD)

ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN VAMPYROTIC WEB MAGAZINE

queenDo you like the occasional wallow in a deep chasm of cheez? If you, like me, find delight in unapologetically low-budget flicks with often only one redeeming feature, their hilariously earnest awfulness, the following review should be right up your proverbial alley. Because, fellow B movie fans, Queen of Blood is delicious cheez.

Of course, it is not good cheez, not by any stretch. Make no mistake, this is a particularly bad movie. As Leonard Pinth Garnell would say, “Delightfully bad!” The sets and props are laughable, the wardrobe even moreso, the dialogue is execrable, and one would need a voluntary suspension of disbelief bigger than god’s ego to buy what they’re selling.

But, that doesn’t mean there are not riches of pure B-movie gold to be mined! Let me count the ways … first the story.

Queen of Blood follows a group of snazzily dressed astronauts in the futuristic utopia of 1990 (!!) through a milestone mission made possible by Head Honcho and Biggest Brain of the International Institute of Space Technology, Dr. Farraday, played by Basil Rathbone (!!). Laura James (Sassy But Never Uppity Girl Astronaut), played by Judi Meredith, discovers signals in space and, being such a genius big brain, Dr. Farraday somehow understands alien and deciphers the message, that space aliens are coming over to meet us! (Whatever shall we wear? If the swanky IIST uniforms are any indication, it will most assuredly involve some quilting.) Sassy space girl Laura then intercepts an alien video log and … Drats! Our alien dream date might be on the outs because our new space friends had to crash land on Mars.

The good doctor pulls together a crack crew for an inter-species meet and mingle rescue mission. Leading the mission is Official Science Douche Anders Brockman, played by Robert Boon. Space-age suck-up, Laura, is the second member of the team. Rounding out the first-team group is Dreamy Astronaut with the Soul of a Poet Paul Grant, played by an absolutely earnest method acting Dennis Hopper. (Yes, Dennis Hopper! In this crap-fest alongside Basil Rathbone … it’s practically criminal, really!) Note that never-uppity Laura’s main squeeze, Hunky and Debonair Astronaut with a Swagger in His Step Allan Brenner, played by John Saxon (!!), is not going to the Big Meet.

Whatever will not-uppity Laura do? Being a practical sort of gal, she goes off into space while her man lags behind. Hmmm … however will that do for the future of their strict patriarchal gender-role adherence? We shall see.

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